


don't know how to admit that i'm broken

by budd



Series: time keeps movin' forward [2]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: David Rose is a Nice Person, Domestic Fluff, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Introspection, M/M, POV Alternating, Pet Names, Post-Episode: s05e06 Rock On!, Sebastien Raine is an Asshole, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28725432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/budd/pseuds/budd
Summary: Patrick and David have a conversation back at his apartment after his "dinner" with Ken.Title from "i can't breathe" by Bea Miller
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Sebastien Raine/David Rose
Series: time keeps movin' forward [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108112
Comments: 2
Kudos: 112





	don't know how to admit that i'm broken

Patrick isn't exactly known for his skills of repressing his feelings when something is bothering him. Either that, or David is just _really_ good at picking him apart. Maybe it's both... it's definitely both.

He lies down on his side, back facing David. He bites down his lower lip while moving it back and forth across his top row of teeth. Patrick is also fiddling with his fingers, a nervous habit he picked up from his boyfriend. Something about going through the motions of snapping without making any noise was very comforting to him and now a go-to while in a state of anxiety.

Pulling his knees up to his chest, Patrick lets out a deep guttural sigh, one that confirms David's suspicions that he isn't okay. Tears prick in the corner of Patrick's eyes as one of David's hands rests upon his left shoulder, rubbing light circles into the t-shirt fabric cladding his soft freckle-laden skin underneath. "What's wrong, honey?" Patrick sucks in a breath, stopping all movements momentarily. This causes David to dive into panic mode. "You obviously don't have to tell me, you never have to tell me anything you aren't comfortable with saying out loud just— I'm here for you, Patrick, and I want you to know this is safe space for whatever is on your mind because it's obvious something is spinning around in that big ol' brain of yours."

Patrick chuckles loud enough so David can hear and it works to calm his increasingly racing heartbeat. He turns around to face him eye-to-eye. "It's stupid."

"If you're bothered by something, it isn't stupid." David has used that line on Patrick several times before, but it always works to remind him that what he's feeling is valid no matter how dumb or inconvenient it may seem in his head (which tends to be _very_.) 

David's fingers make their way to the nape of Patrick's neck, playing with the tiny hairs at the base for a moment in an attempt to relax his tense nerves. He's never minded lying down with Patrick and absentmindedly distracting him; he'll do anything to make sure he feels secure as he never had someone there to ground him through life and is more than well aware of how lonely it feels to tread through life like it's a livewire the thickness of a penny.

Nobody deserves to ever feel like that, _especially_ not Patrick.

He opens and closes his mouth a few times before finally letting the syllables out so close together it sounds as if it's all one word. "Sometimes I don't feel like I'm gay enough." 

David is confused, so he asks for clarification. "What do you mean?"

"Like, I love you. We both know I love you and I'm comfortable with the label gay, but when I see people like Ken who are so open about their sexuality, I wonder what I did wrong along the way to lead me... here. I mean, everyone stares at me and automatically assumes I'm straight. Hell, even you did!"

David pulls his hand away from his neck to sit them both up. "First off, I didn't think you were straight; I was in denial and trying to repress the fact that Alexis was correct about me having feelings for you," A sloppy grin plays at the corner of Patrick's lips, however, it falters just as fast as it appeared. "And there's no certain way to _be_ gay, you just simply are. Confidence is something that you build up in time the longer you embrace who you are. I don't expect you and nobody else expects you to be this flamboyant, ballet dancer, Beyoncé-loving stereotypical gay man only a couple years into your discovery. In fact, I personally find it charming how you break society's norms in terms of what gay is supposed to look like." 

"It's hard for me to be self-assured when every other person I've met like me is _nothing_ like me at the same time. Does that make sense?" He asks, a single tear rolling down his cheek that's quickly wiped away by the pad of David's thumb.

Patrick presses his head into the crook where David's neck and shoulders meet, David's arms wrapping around his waist to hold him tight while he sets his chin atop Patrick's head. "You may not believe this, but there was a time where I felt exactly as you feel right now."

"Really?" He inquires sincerely. "I always assumed you've known what you're doing since the beginning."

Chuckling, David shakes his head a handful of times. "Nope," He replies, popping the _p_. "The first time I went out with a man was during my junior year of high school. I met him—Peter, what a pretentious name—at one of mother's red carpet events. We ate at at this steakhouse on the outskirts of New York City Adelina had recommended to us. It was scary. It was really fucking horrifying sitting in that restaurant, knowing I was getting judged by every single person around me for being on a date with someone of the same gender as me. I never spoke to anyone about this anxiety, though. I let it tear me apart from the inside out to the point where I didn't date anyone for three years." 

"What changed it for you? You know, what made you become the David Rose you are today?" Patrick lifts up his cheek to meet David's eyes with his own.

He takes a moment to think before responding, inhaling sharply as he knows Patrick won't like the response. "Sebastien."

Sure enough, he doesn't.

Patrick untangles himself from David at the mention of his name. " _Him_?! The guy who _abused_ you that you had revenge sex with?" 

"For the record, I've had revenge sex with a _lot_ of people," Patrick rolls his eyes, _of course he has_. "But, before the hitting and non-consensual restraining occurred, I was in love with him, or at least I thought I knew what being in love meant at the time. That was before I met you, though. It was the first time I've ever felt so... strongly about another man. I was determined to feel that again, the feeling of pure lust. One night, I went out to a bar and flirted with every single male there. Some rejected me, some laughed at me for liking men, others ignored my presence, but I went home with someone that night. It changed my perspective on hiding who I am, being with Sebastien."

Patrick ponders again. "You're saying it took you falling in love, getting abused, and hooking up with a bar goer for you become levelheaded with your sexuality?"

He leans away a bit to study David's face. "Well, when you put it that way..." They both laugh for a moment, redirecting their energy back to the conversation after Patrick pats his pillow, telling David to lie down. Once he does, he sets his head upon David's chest. "Bottom line is, I got there eventually, and I have no doubt in the back of my mind that you will, too. Things like this take time. I know you want them to hurry up, but be patient because it's worth the wait, I promise." David pecks the top of Patrick's head as he cuddles further into his body. 

"Thank you, David." Patrick says, barely above a whisper. 

David kisses him in the same place again, this time letting it linger for a beat longer thus allowing Patrick's eyes to flutter shut at the action. "It's my pleasure. Anything for you, my love." 

_My love_ , that's a new one. 

Patrick could get used to being called it, though. In fact, he _wants_ to get used to it. 


End file.
